My Purpose

So, lately I am feeling like I am just stumbling through life.  I don't know my direction or what I am meant to do with it, and I don't think about it often.  I tend to live in the moment, only occasionally looking into the future a few months to a year.  However, one direction I don't feel like I am being tugged towards is teaching.  Yeah, yeah, I know I have a teaching degree, but it's not what I feel like I am being called to do.  I know I love kids and I know that I love caring for them, but that's about where what "I know" ends.  Nick seems to be pressuring me to use my degree to teach, because I think he sees that as the only thing I can do with an English degree.  He argues "Why should you work somewhere that you don't need a degree for, and alongside others who didn't go to school?  Why not use the degree you worked years towards?"  Touche.  However, he doesn't even ask me if I enjoy working in child care, and just assumes that because I have the degree, that I want to teach, which could honestly not be farther from the truth.  However, if I say that to him, then I'm afraid he'll think I am lazy and don't want a "real" job....whatever that means. 

So here I am freewriting, as an exercise to get me thinking without feeling.  Is he embarrassed of me?  Does he see other women at his job and wish I were more of a professional?  Is it a money issue?  I can't figure it out, obviously.  And I can't figure myself out.  What a mess.  How am I supposed to know how to fill the role God intends for me, if I can't even figure out what that role is, and if no one wants to give me the chance to figure it out?!?  I don't know if I want to even publish this for everyone to see, but I think maybe some insight from others might be nice.  Please don't think badly of Nick, as I know (well, hope) that he's saying this stuff with the best of intentions...