Bittersweet

There is a saying that goes something like "If I knew the last time I hugged you, would be the last time I hugged you, then I would have held on a little longer."  Well, the version playing in my head goes something like "If I knew the last time I was pregnant, would be my last time being pregnant, I would have savored those 9 months a little more."  To clarify where I'm going with all of this, I made an appointment to have a tubal ligation done on September 17th.  This decision was a much more emotional one than I would have ever though possible, for several different reasons.

First off, it seems to close a chapter of my life.....like a part of me is dying.  I know that's kind of a grim way of looking at it, but that's how I feel.  It's not that I feel like less of a woman, but that a big reason for my existence will be gone.  However, I think the biggest reason it was such an emotional struggle to make this decision was because I know that it means I will never again hold a babe of my own in my arms (after Olivia grows a bit.)  Olivia is such a good, pleasant baby, and I have really come to love this baby phase.....the same, however, could not be said for when Emma was a baby, due to digestive issues and colic.  It means that once these precious first months of Olivia's are gone, that I won't have this opportunity to experience them again.  I know that it sounds terribly selfish when I put it that way, and that by choosing to have the surgery done I am doing something responsible for our family (albeit not in the eyes of my fellow Catholics and the Church), but it doesn't make it any easier knowing that all of these little firsts of Olivia's, are some of the lasts for me.

However, I will be 28 this year, and had already decided that I didn't want to give birth after the age of 30 due to the increased risk to the baby, which would mean that I would have to be getting pregnant within the next year or year and a half to keep under that age.  This would put the two youngest closer together than I want, and I fear, more stress than we could handle.  Therefore, I make this decision in confidence that what I am doing is the right thing for us.  I will just remember to savor all of these little moments of Olivia's and Emma's and be eternally grateful for the amazing family God has provided me with.