Motherhood

Motherhood....boy, sometimes it's not all I thought it would be.  For instance, the mornings when you hear your 3 year old kicking your bedroom door at 2 a.m.  Or the times when I can't hear the one show that I watch routinely (Once Upon a Time) over all of the screaming and crying.  When Emma clearly continues to misbehave even when I've told her a T.H.O.U.S.A.N.D. times to stop.  When Olivia cries multiple times during the night because she's lost the dang pacifier AGAIN.

Motherhood....boy, it's sooooo worth it!  Whenever Olivia grabs my fingers with her tiny hands in the middle of the night after I have replace the pacifier for about the ninth time :)  Whenever Emma comes up to me, hugs me, and tells me she loves me and is sorry for being naughty.  When both girls want to snuggle on my lap before bedtime and they end up holding hands, or Olivia pulls Emma's hair and she begins to bawl, saying that "Sister is being mean to me."  Those kisses, those smiles, those "crystal moments."  I pray that these moments last for decades to come, and am so thankful to my girls for making it all possible :)

My Purpose

So, lately I am feeling like I am just stumbling through life.  I don't know my direction or what I am meant to do with it, and I don't think about it often.  I tend to live in the moment, only occasionally looking into the future a few months to a year.  However, one direction I don't feel like I am being tugged towards is teaching.  Yeah, yeah, I know I have a teaching degree, but it's not what I feel like I am being called to do.  I know I love kids and I know that I love caring for them, but that's about where what "I know" ends.  Nick seems to be pressuring me to use my degree to teach, because I think he sees that as the only thing I can do with an English degree.  He argues "Why should you work somewhere that you don't need a degree for, and alongside others who didn't go to school?  Why not use the degree you worked years towards?"  Touche.  However, he doesn't even ask me if I enjoy working in child care, and just assumes that because I have the degree, that I want to teach, which could honestly not be farther from the truth.  However, if I say that to him, then I'm afraid he'll think I am lazy and don't want a "real" job....whatever that means. 

So here I am freewriting, as an exercise to get me thinking without feeling.  Is he embarrassed of me?  Does he see other women at his job and wish I were more of a professional?  Is it a money issue?  I can't figure it out, obviously.  And I can't figure myself out.  What a mess.  How am I supposed to know how to fill the role God intends for me, if I can't even figure out what that role is, and if no one wants to give me the chance to figure it out?!?  I don't know if I want to even publish this for everyone to see, but I think maybe some insight from others might be nice.  Please don't think badly of Nick, as I know (well, hope) that he's saying this stuff with the best of intentions...

4 Months Old!

My Dearest Little Olivia,

How is it that you are already 4 months old!  I mean, I remember a few hospital stays, a few rough nights, but it just has whizzed by for the most part!  You have really taken to daycare well, although some days we all have a hard time figuring out what you want (yourself included, I think!)  Here are some of your current habits and likes:

*You are still a morning girl!  We get you up for the day between 6-6:20a.m. on school days, but by 7:40 you're ready for a power nap.
*Bath time is a favorite of yours.  When you're fussy and we can't figure out what's going on, we plop you in the tub (well, not "plop" exactly!) and it seems to do the trick.
*You have begun to giggle every now and again.  This morning we were driving around town and I was sitting in the back saying "Boo!" and you seemed to think that was pretty great :)
*You have slept though the night, aka 10-6 a handful of times now, but I think we are just finishing up the 4 month sleep regression, so it's been a while since you've done that!
*We just got you a Bumbo seat, and you really seem to like it when you're in the mood to sit up.
*You're still eating about 3-3.5 oz per bottle.
*Emma is still your favorite :)

Quite a bit has changed in such a short time, but then again, not so much!  We are so blessed to have you!

Love always and forever,

Mommy

Love

I haven't done my blogging letter challenge for a few months (courtesy of Olivia's arrival!), but thought I would start back up tonight, although I must admit that I am skipping "k!"

Love:
I was thinking tonight about what has made me the person I am today, and most of it has sprung from the things I love in life.  Some of my current, and eternal loves are:
*Pizza....no cheese, just the saucy crust, and the hamburger if it's a beef pizza!
*Books...reading them, trying to write them, their smell, the way the feel in my hands....everything.
*Green...it's the color of life, vibrancy, and everything outdoors!
*Nick...he makes me smile, laugh, mad, and tons of other things, which means it must be L.O.V.E.
*Emma...her smile, her beautiful baby blues, the way she clings to me when she get scared of a bug, how she tells me she loves me, the sound of her little voice singing "Happy Birthday" when she's supposed to be going to sleep....and on and on.
*Olivia...the way she smiles and coos first thing in the morning, how she settles down from crying when I pick her up and start talking, the way she smiles when she's falling to sleep, how she loves to watch Emma dance and play....and on and on.
*The Lord our God...without whom, none of this would be possible.

I could go on and on, but I'm pretty sure I would lose my readers, maybe exempting Ethan, when I start talking about my love of the Harry Potter novels :) 

Belated Birthday Wishes to My Firstborn

Emma Rae,

How is it, my love, that already three years have gone by since God sent you to us?!  It has been three of the fastest, yet sometimes the slowest, years of my life.  You are sure a ham, and a ball of fire!!!  (I think you get that from your Dad ;) )  Some fun facts about you:

*You are starting to get the hang of this potty training business!  Yesterday you didn’t have any accidents at school, and went in the potty four or five times!  Definitely a record for you!!!!

*Recently you’ve learned to do summersaults, and love to practice your new skill……sometimes a little too close to your sister!

*I think you know how to run my iPad better than I do sometimes!

*We are looking for a toddler bed for your room.  You like sleeping in the ones at Gma and Papa’s houses, and we think you may be getting close to being ready here.

Things haven’t always gone smoothly, or as planned, but we wouldn’t have it any other way!  I love you more and more every day and can’t wait to celebrate many many, many more birthdays with you!!!

Love Now and Forever,

Mommy

 

Two Months!

Dearest Miss Olivia,

Where oh where have the past 2 months gone!  Already it is August, and already you are turning 2 months old.  It truly is hard for me to remember what is was like before you came, but all I know now is that life feels complete with you here.  We are still working to figure each other out, but I'm confident that we'll get there :)  These first two months have been terribly eventful, what with two hospital stays, one being for a whole week.  Let's just not make this a habit, alright, little lady?

Bath time is now one of your favorite times of day, and you are so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed during it!  Naps, on the other hand......well, let's just say that you're not a big fan because there's too much to see and do.  Plus, I'm still trying to figure out how long to let you stay up before putting you to sleep, so maybe you're a bit overtired???  You are still a sucky eater (no pun intended :) )  and some days you want to eat every 1.5-2 hours, but only about .5-1.5 ounces at a time, which equals one LOOOOOONNNNNGGGG day for both of us.  You had been napping between 45 minutes to 3 hours, but yesterday I don't think you napped more than 1.5 hours for the entire day, which led to a major meltdown that evening, followed by a 6:15 p.m. bedtime (and a tumultuous night.)  I am working on getting you to nap in your crib and not the swing or vibrating chair.  Yesterday you slept in it for 45 minutes, then woke yourself up crying.  So, right now you are passed out in the swing, and I'm planning on giving you your afternoon nap in the crib.

I am trying to prepare to start back to work on August 12th, which will be your first day at daycare also.  I have to be honest, I am looking forward to going back and getting into my old routine.  Not that I haven't appreciated and loved my special time with you, but I know that I will appreciate that time and those smiles even more when I start working.  Alright, so now some fun facts:

*You are DEFINITELY a morning girl, like your sister and your Papas.
*You have started "talking" to us, and love to be cooed back to, usually resulting in a sweet little smile :)
*Some cradle cap has begun to develop, but I'm trying to nip it in the bud with special cradle cap wash and using conditioner too.  It is a common misconception that this is caused by a lack of hygiene, however, it is due to a lack of normal scalp oils to keep the scalp hydrated, so DON'T JUDGE when you see a baby with it.
*Sometimes you wolf down your bottles, and other times I have to practically take your clothes off to keep you awake enough to eat even half.
*You are so very loved by everyone, and we wouldn't trade you for the world!

All my love,
Mama

Bittersweet

There is a saying that goes something like "If I knew the last time I hugged you, would be the last time I hugged you, then I would have held on a little longer."  Well, the version playing in my head goes something like "If I knew the last time I was pregnant, would be my last time being pregnant, I would have savored those 9 months a little more."  To clarify where I'm going with all of this, I made an appointment to have a tubal ligation done on September 17th.  This decision was a much more emotional one than I would have ever though possible, for several different reasons.

First off, it seems to close a chapter of my life.....like a part of me is dying.  I know that's kind of a grim way of looking at it, but that's how I feel.  It's not that I feel like less of a woman, but that a big reason for my existence will be gone.  However, I think the biggest reason it was such an emotional struggle to make this decision was because I know that it means I will never again hold a babe of my own in my arms (after Olivia grows a bit.)  Olivia is such a good, pleasant baby, and I have really come to love this baby phase.....the same, however, could not be said for when Emma was a baby, due to digestive issues and colic.  It means that once these precious first months of Olivia's are gone, that I won't have this opportunity to experience them again.  I know that it sounds terribly selfish when I put it that way, and that by choosing to have the surgery done I am doing something responsible for our family (albeit not in the eyes of my fellow Catholics and the Church), but it doesn't make it any easier knowing that all of these little firsts of Olivia's, are some of the lasts for me.

However, I will be 28 this year, and had already decided that I didn't want to give birth after the age of 30 due to the increased risk to the baby, which would mean that I would have to be getting pregnant within the next year or year and a half to keep under that age.  This would put the two youngest closer together than I want, and I fear, more stress than we could handle.  Therefore, I make this decision in confidence that what I am doing is the right thing for us.  I will just remember to savor all of these little moments of Olivia's and Emma's and be eternally grateful for the amazing family God has provided me with.