Bittersweet

There is a saying that goes something like "If I knew the last time I hugged you, would be the last time I hugged you, then I would have held on a little longer."  Well, the version playing in my head goes something like "If I knew the last time I was pregnant, would be my last time being pregnant, I would have savored those 9 months a little more."  To clarify where I'm going with all of this, I made an appointment to have a tubal ligation done on September 17th.  This decision was a much more emotional one than I would have ever though possible, for several different reasons.

First off, it seems to close a chapter of my life.....like a part of me is dying.  I know that's kind of a grim way of looking at it, but that's how I feel.  It's not that I feel like less of a woman, but that a big reason for my existence will be gone.  However, I think the biggest reason it was such an emotional struggle to make this decision was because I know that it means I will never again hold a babe of my own in my arms (after Olivia grows a bit.)  Olivia is such a good, pleasant baby, and I have really come to love this baby phase.....the same, however, could not be said for when Emma was a baby, due to digestive issues and colic.  It means that once these precious first months of Olivia's are gone, that I won't have this opportunity to experience them again.  I know that it sounds terribly selfish when I put it that way, and that by choosing to have the surgery done I am doing something responsible for our family (albeit not in the eyes of my fellow Catholics and the Church), but it doesn't make it any easier knowing that all of these little firsts of Olivia's, are some of the lasts for me.

However, I will be 28 this year, and had already decided that I didn't want to give birth after the age of 30 due to the increased risk to the baby, which would mean that I would have to be getting pregnant within the next year or year and a half to keep under that age.  This would put the two youngest closer together than I want, and I fear, more stress than we could handle.  Therefore, I make this decision in confidence that what I am doing is the right thing for us.  I will just remember to savor all of these little moments of Olivia's and Emma's and be eternally grateful for the amazing family God has provided me with.

Settling BACK In

These past 7 weeks since Olivia has been with us has been more excitement than anyone needs in such a short amount of time.  She has been hospitalized not one, but TWO times.  The first was due to a fever caused by enterovirus, and warranted a 2 night stay, a spinal tap, blood workup, IV antibiotics, and lots and lots of nighttime interruptions from nurses.  The second was due to an infection in the blood due to an unknown bacteria, and warranted a 7 night stay, spinal tap, blood workup, 3 IV (it started leaking twice and had to be replaced both times), 14 rounds of Rocephin (a very very strong antibiotic), and many more nighttime interruptions. 

I have tried to assure her that she doesn't need to give us this "excitement" every three weeks, and that we would really like to be able to settle into a good pattern for a long period of time.  Hopefully she understood what I was saying ;)

One Month

My Baby Girl Olivia,

I can't believe that you have already been with us for a month!!!  I must admit, before you were born I wondered how my heart would be able to love another little girl as much as I loved your big sister, but rest assured that the moment you were born and I laid eyes on you that my feelings for you were instantaneous.  You have grown so much (well, at least I think you have!) in the past month, so here are some fun facts about you:

*You weight 7 pounds and 9 ounces.....up from 6lb 3oz at birth.
*You are (usually) an awesome snuggler!!!
*Eating can be a very slow process for you, and lately you've been wanting to eat ALL.THE.TIME
*You haven't been napping very well lately, but sleep pretty good at night
*The Halo Swaddle Sack is our best friend at night and when you're fussy
*You like to lay on our legs and look around
*Bathtime is getting better each time
*You are pretty easy going when it comes to Emma liking to poke your eyes, stick her fingers in your mouth, and "petting" your head :)

We are really enjoying getting to know you and seeing you change before our very eyes!  Just, please, don't grow up too fast!!!!

Love,
Mom