Motherhood

Motherhood....boy, sometimes it's not all I thought it would be.  For instance, the mornings when you hear your 3 year old kicking your bedroom door at 2 a.m.  Or the times when I can't hear the one show that I watch routinely (Once Upon a Time) over all of the screaming and crying.  When Emma clearly continues to misbehave even when I've told her a T.H.O.U.S.A.N.D. times to stop.  When Olivia cries multiple times during the night because she's lost the dang pacifier AGAIN.

Motherhood....boy, it's sooooo worth it!  Whenever Olivia grabs my fingers with her tiny hands in the middle of the night after I have replace the pacifier for about the ninth time :)  Whenever Emma comes up to me, hugs me, and tells me she loves me and is sorry for being naughty.  When both girls want to snuggle on my lap before bedtime and they end up holding hands, or Olivia pulls Emma's hair and she begins to bawl, saying that "Sister is being mean to me."  Those kisses, those smiles, those "crystal moments."  I pray that these moments last for decades to come, and am so thankful to my girls for making it all possible :)

My Purpose

So, lately I am feeling like I am just stumbling through life.  I don't know my direction or what I am meant to do with it, and I don't think about it often.  I tend to live in the moment, only occasionally looking into the future a few months to a year.  However, one direction I don't feel like I am being tugged towards is teaching.  Yeah, yeah, I know I have a teaching degree, but it's not what I feel like I am being called to do.  I know I love kids and I know that I love caring for them, but that's about where what "I know" ends.  Nick seems to be pressuring me to use my degree to teach, because I think he sees that as the only thing I can do with an English degree.  He argues "Why should you work somewhere that you don't need a degree for, and alongside others who didn't go to school?  Why not use the degree you worked years towards?"  Touche.  However, he doesn't even ask me if I enjoy working in child care, and just assumes that because I have the degree, that I want to teach, which could honestly not be farther from the truth.  However, if I say that to him, then I'm afraid he'll think I am lazy and don't want a "real" job....whatever that means. 

So here I am freewriting, as an exercise to get me thinking without feeling.  Is he embarrassed of me?  Does he see other women at his job and wish I were more of a professional?  Is it a money issue?  I can't figure it out, obviously.  And I can't figure myself out.  What a mess.  How am I supposed to know how to fill the role God intends for me, if I can't even figure out what that role is, and if no one wants to give me the chance to figure it out?!?  I don't know if I want to even publish this for everyone to see, but I think maybe some insight from others might be nice.  Please don't think badly of Nick, as I know (well, hope) that he's saying this stuff with the best of intentions...